In comparison with my first set of identity portraits, where I used severe contrast, saturated colors, and fiercely clashing elements to present a “juxtaposition” of grief and euphoria, I wanted to express a quieter sort of sadness in this set. As you’ll see, not only is this photo set taken in our study (not a photo studio), but it also includes very daily and common items as “props”—the reading lamp is the only light source present, the desk is scattered with stationery, etc. As a result, the photos show exactly what I hoped they would show: the rare scene of complete normality, with everything just as it would have been had a photographer not been present. Indeed, the only “drama” that you could detect is the contrast between darkness and light, as the lamp provides a shaft of light on just one side of the model’s features. Consequentially, even when basking in the warm light, the model does not seem simply, one-sidedly content; instead, there is a side left to the unknown—unknown fears, unexpressed grievances, and untold stories.

Explaining why I chose to photograph my mom in particular might explain this concept further. Being a daughter, a wife, and a mom has not been an easy task for my mom, and indeed it is no easy task for any person in this world. However, she somehow manages to stay strong and loving, tough and gentle; she maintains the careful balancing act of being herself and being what—unfortunately—our society still expects of her. She is, in a way, the source of warm light in our family, for she gives each of us the love and care that we need, and spreads her smiles and kindness through our home. But undoubtedly, there are suppressed emotions that come from maintaining the precarious balancing act—and that is the creeping darkness.

If you go back to my first inspiration posts for this project (Post 4), where I detailed the Euphoria aesthetic, you will see that one of the images I took inspiration from was of the main character, standing with her side profile to the camera so that warm light is pouring onto her face whilst her back is submerged in darkness. I explained how this contrast in light, as well as this rare usage of warm lights (since Euphoria primarily utilizes blue and purple lights), shows a kind of bittersweetness. In the portrait, the character balances her past of pain and anguish with her present state of release and—though perhaps temporary—relief. I wanted to use the same sort of contrast and balance in the following set of photos.

1. Seen

Techniques used:

• Only light source is the lamplight, lighting one side of her face and leaving the other side heavily submerged in darkness.
• Contrast between blue of the couch and yellow of the lighting; a bit of unsureness and anxiety peeking out form the warmth and comfort.
• A piece of sheer, white-shaded, Chiffon-like fabric was put over the bottom half of the frame, so that there appears to be a slight blur on the bottom and there is the illusion of movement where, actually, everything is still.
• The camera is held slightly above the model’s head, so as to give the frame a better sense of perspective, emphasize the borders between light and dark on her face, and create an almost regal air.

2. Withheld

Techniques used:

• Only light source is the lamplight, lighting one side of her face and leaving the other side slightly submerged in darkness. This time, the light is on the other side, and there are less shadows.
• It is almost as if the model is looking down because of the brightness of the light; a feeling of avoidance and escape.
• The camera is held a significant distance away from the top of the model’s head; this gives off a feeling of what could be called surveillance, suppression, and “patronization”.
• The frame is not completely righted, so you can see that the edges of the table are not aligned parallel with the edges of the picture; feeling of doubt and anxiety.
• Three important corners of focus: the messy table top, the model, and the almost-blank lower-left corner; makes the composition more balanced as well as complex.

3. Thought

Techniques used:

• Only light source is the lamplight, but this time it lights up her whole face, as if symbolizing that she has completely entered a state of what seems to be “happiness and contentment”; however, it just means that the grief has been taken and stowed away, and all that is left to be seen by the observer is the superficial, bubbling warmth.
• The only time a cool light enters the frame (although it doesn’t contribute to lighting the model’s features). Being placed in the background, it creates a deep sense of fear, as if the price of hiding away those negative emotions is being vulnerable to a cold, sucking pit.
• Books and the table top block our view partially; they are blurred and out-of-focus, at the forefront of the camera lens. Symbolizes using other objects/emotions to cover up grief, but also focuses our attention on the model by creating a “zooming in” kind of effect.
• Camera is tilted upwards at the model, suggesting that this is almost like a conversation or exchange held in confidence, and no one else knows about the pain she has stashed away.

In creating this set of photos, I wanted to emphasize a sort of juxtaposition in mood. Elements such as the sparkling trail of glitter tears down the model’s face, the party-themed streamers in the background, the older fabric on the floor, and the dreamy blue-and-purple lighting all contribute to an atmosphere of bliss and unreal euphoria. However, the story is threaded together by a motif of grief; in this whirlpool of light and color, there are the deepest, bluest of emotions.

1. Denial

Denial is the small, hesitant smirk on our faces when we receive the news. It’s not true. Of course, it’s not true. Denial is the tiniest, choked laugh that escapes our lungs as an imaginary fist makes contact with our stomach.

People think of denial as a phase of weakness and hypocrisy—you need to come to terms with reality—but I think it is the very opposite. In this phase of loss, we often know what we are experiencing, and are consciously aware of the truth of the circumstances. However, it is the strongest parts of us that hold love and passion for things in our lives that insist on denying such circumstances. We are already marked by the slash of tragedy; you can see it on our faces, plain and simple, that narrow stream of blooming tears—but we refuse to come down with it. This is denial, a stage of strength, not weakness.

Techniques used:

• Yellow lighting in front, lighting the face.
• Purple/blue lighting (mild, at about 3~6 on the controls) in the back, lighting the model’s back and the backdrop.
• Slightly tilted camera, sense of disorientation.
• Three spots of reflection: glitter on the face, sequins on the sweater, streamers on the floor.
• Gaze looking away from the camera.
• Foot visible in the background, but is blurred.
• Filtered lights on the backdrop but not on the model, sense of perspective.
• Excess of ground space to create a feeling of discomfort and something being “off”.

2. Bargaining

You can always see it when the light leaks out of someone’s eyes, and I think it happens in this phase of bargaining. It is where we first come to terms with what is happening to us, around us, and within us. There are still people helping, doors and windows open, and light rushing in, but we turn our gaze to somewhere far away because escape to a land of pondering and pining is sweeter than living a life that feels like it needs to be resuscitated and sustained by sympathizers. The what-ifs and what-nows start to flood our thoughts. Grief is the process of breaking a million old habits and replacing them with a million more new ones; we search these thoughts for potential new ones.

Techniques used:

• Purple lighting (this time with more red and less blue) from the left, directly lighting some dimensions of the model’s face.
• Filtered lights on the backdrop but also on the model; no additional lights used.
• The eye closer to the camera is slightly out of focus, and the other side of the face is clearer; sense of perspective and disorientation.
• Glitter motif is repeated: on the face, on the sequins on the sweater.
• Gaze looking away from the camera.
• Dark corners, creates focus and a natural sort of vignette; slightly oppressive and depressing.

3. Anger

Just like how we think of denial as weakness, we tend to see anger as madness. When someone is angry, they are refusing to cope with the situation at hand. When someone is angry, they shut themselves off from communication and cooperation, because they prefer to stay mad at their own out-of-control world. But again—I think it is often the opposite.

Anger can be quiet. Simmering. Not mania or burning heat but a sense of loss so deep and cutting that it resembles more of a cup of cooled, bitter, day-old tea, than a fuming, whistling kettle. Finally, we can look straight into other people’s eyes like we are asking them voicelessly, why? What is the reason for all of this? Anger can be clear-headed and simple; it is the cleansing climax of the story arch, the maximum point of projectile motion where we are neither accelerating upwards nor pivoting down. The tears are gone, and the scar that they have scorched onto our faces heals. There is, however, the remaining, sharp pellet of something foreign in our system.

Techniques used:

• Overhead white lights (cool-toned, very mild, at about 5~10 on the controls), gives enough light to see reflections but keeps it simple.
• No colored lights, representative of the simplicity this phase emphasizes.
• Glitter on the face is removed (or actually, we took this photo set the opposite way around so that we wouldn’t have to clean up the makeup).
• Star at the corner of the eye, gives a point of focus and adds detail.
• Another place of reflection in the streamers; placed closer to the frame, slightly blurred so that the reflection seems more iridescent.
• Golden fabric in the background, adds warm colors to balance the tones, brightens up the image.
• Model looking at the camera for the first and only time.
• No sequins from the sweater are showing so as to make it more simplistic.

4. Depression

Because we so often see it as a synonym for feeling sad, we might find it bizarre that depression is the second-to-last stage of grief. Indeed, it is actually an exit from this world of misery and mourning. “The rain came pouring down when I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe”; it is the final ablution that douses us with the rawest pain, the heaviest fathoming, and the most thorough withdrawal from misery.

By the end of this tortuous, torturous, yet reviving stage, we can face the force of grief that had taken over us: “And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean”.

Techniques used:

• Purple/blue lighting (this time slightly stronger and much more blue, at about 6 on the controls) in the back, lighting the model’s back and the backdrop.
• Overhead white lights (cool-toned, stronger, at about 10 on the controls), lights the model’s face only.
• Extremely tilted frame, model’s face seems to be facing directly upwards, towards the source of light.
• The star on the face is very blurred, but can still be seen and adds more complexity and emotion.
• Streamers in the background are blurred but highly reflective.
• The edge of the backdrop can be seen, but it was not edited out because it fits with the party theme and—in combination with the streamers—actually makes the setting seem less like a studio.

5. Acceptance

This period of our lives has been flushed out of our system. There is new light ahead, and our pain is like our newfound safety net—it reflects the rainbows after the storm, providing us with a backdrop for the future. We have not left unmaimed—that is clear from the missing patches of color in our complexion—but we have left stronger.

Techniques used:

• Blue lighting (extremely mild, at about 1~2 on the controls), providing a bit of a hue for the image in general and adding to the presence of the streamers.
• Filtered lights on the backdrop but also on the model; no additional lights used.
• All makeup and stickers are removed from the face to show the entry into a new phase of life, and the removal of all symbols of pain and grief.
• A piece of sheer, turquoise-shaded, Chiffon-like fabric was put over the top half of the frame, so there is a slight sense of blurriness and discoloration in that spot.

I adopted the style of Euphoria by incorporating similar lighting and compositional techniques into this set of photos. These 33 images are primarily separated into two categories: medium/waist shots and closeups.

For the medium shots, I used a combination of white and blue/purple light to create a sharp contrast, then added filtered and patterned lights to add complexity to the composition. These patterns sometimes permeate the borders between the model and the background, which makes the two components seem to interact more. For medium shots particularly, I tried to demonstrate emotions in a more concrete manner, showing raw feelings through the model’s movements, reflections in the mirror, contrast in textures and colors, etc.

On the other hand, for the closeups, I tried to demonstrate emotion in a more abstract manner. Due to the low exposure of these images (seen mostly at the bottom), there is a blurred texture to them as well. This means that the bright and dark splotches melt together in a more cohesive fashion, and the borderline of the subject against the dark background is unclear. With such features, the emotions of sadness, hopelessness, yearning, and loss are exposed in a less explicit way. It seems more like the general atmosphere of the images that are telling the story.

Some important components that I want to note in order for future photoshoots include:

1. The use of a mirror. I really liked how the addition of a reflective surface added complexity and intrigue to the photos. It is as if it made the feelings exuding from the subject more difficult to interpret, as if we are looking at a person’s thoughts through a veil. Of course, it also offers countless interesting angles to shoot from.
2. Lighting. We primarily shot using two types of lights: colored lights and the usual warm/cool-toned white lights. For many of the closeups, I turned off the white lights completely, resulting in the blurry texture and the extremely fierce presence of blue lighting on the side of the model’s face. For most of the waist shots, however, I used a combination of colored and white lights, which made the depiction of the scene clearer and the two halves of the image more balanced.
3. Patterned/filtered lights. I used two types of filters for the waist shots: scattered dots and more uniform ones. I think the former emits more of a sense of chaos, unsureness, and raw emotion, whereas the latter is harsher, and in a way even more sad. Either way, I will keep this tool in my photoshoot for the final set.

The Euphoria television series is known for its raw depiction of the teenage life, but even more respected for its bold cinematography. It defies the cliches of television photography by presenting more dark environments than light ones, utilizing unusual colors such as blues and purples, and capturing characters at unique angles. With lighting, color, and composition, Euphoria shows characters at their best and their worst, and follows them through a rollercoaster of grief, doubt, fear, loss, anger, and—of course—euphoria.

Image 1: This is one of the few stills from the show that uses overwhelmingly warm light. It is representative of a sense of peace and epiphany within the character. This is the moment when the character finally feels cleansed after the storm, and when she comes to accept that this is who she is, this is where she is standing, and this is the future that lays ahead. She is positioned in the middle of the photo, with light in front of her and shadow at her back. Everything about the image is symbolizing her exit from a dark, twisted path and embrace of a difficult yet promising future.

Image 2: The lighting in this image, in contrast with the first one, is suffocatingly cold and blue. It is an extremely saturated tone that makes the viewer uncomfortable; in an environment like this, the character cannot be expected to see many things with clarity, which thus creates a fearful and unsure atmosphere. Furthermore, whereas almost all other faces are turned away from the camera, leaving only the backs of heads and unclear features, the main subject’s side profile is clearly visible. She is positioned in the very center of the frame as well, and she lifts her head slightly, apparently familiarizing herself with this new setting. All of this combines to make it seem as if she is alone and lonely; in this cold, unforgiving light, she tries to find a place for her. The image implicates feelings of fear and doubt very effectively.

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Photos from a planning session:

Introduction

From losing someone in your life, to letting go of old habits in chase of new ones, loss is never easy. Indeed, explaining the process of grief as an observer or person looking in hindsight is beyond difficult, and can sometimes feel extremely uncomfortable. How are you to feel sincere in “explaining away” someone else’s misery? How could you possibly justify the sleep you deprived yourself of, the days you spent in bed, or the countless relationships you broke off because of the one that you had lost? And it isn’t always about the heavy, suffocating pain either; sometimes, the cold pit of emptiness you feel inside yourself is more terrifying. How can you feel so at your wits’ end when, to everyone else, you seem almost completely normal?

Pain is complex, which is why the statement “you’ll get over it” feels so frustrating. Because amidst all the ups and downs and twists and turns of sorrow, you are never sure if you will “get over it”. Somehow, pain continues to confuse our understanding of emotion, taking it beyond the literal and into a land where only sentimental, romantic, and impractical thoughts persist.

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Statement of Intent

This set of portraits will explore sorrow and loss through the famous Kübler-Ross model—also known as the five stages of grief. It is the visual representation of mental processes that occur inside the mind of someone in grief.

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Basic Information

Subject: Candy 🥰 (thanks Candy)

Setting: Photo studio

Equipment: Colored lights, background paper, makeup

Key themes: Kübler-Ross model, grief, loss, Euphoria aesthetic

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The Kübler-Ross Model

This model of grief is well-known in the psychological and psychiatric realms. It traces the complicated footsteps of someone who has just endured a traumatic event, lost someone or something that is deeply intertwined with their lives, or been hurt in any other way that was significant enough to change their outlook on and habits in life.

In my photo set, I will attempt to recreate these five stages in capturing the complete and sophisticated image of a person in grief.

Stage 1: Denial. This is when the pain is not yet fully registered. It’s sometimes described as a state of disbelief or shock.

Stage 2: Anger. One of the unexpected emotions that we gravitate towards when we are in pain is anger. We can end up hurting those around us, or shutting ourselves off from the rest of the world.

Stage 3: Bargaining. “If only I could’ve helped her more.” “If only that one decision didn’t happen.” Bargaining is the stage at which we attempt to be logical—but often fail to do so.

Stage 4: Depression. Perhaps the most commonly associated phase when we think of grief is the long, tumultuous, and painstaking period of depression.

Stage 5: Acceptance. The pain starts to ebb away.

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The Euphoria Aesthetic

Euphoria is an HBO teen drama television series that has become extremely popular in the past few years. It is now most commonly associated with the complexities of teenagers’ relationships with their families, cultures, body images, and romantic partners, as well as social media.

Apart from the important themes this series discusses, Euphoria is also known for its incredible cinematography. Defined most prominently by glitter, “euphoric” lighting (especially the use of purples and blues), and the classic teenage characterization (marked by defiance), the Euphoria aesthetic of portraiture holds tremendous power in expressing emotion. It is particularly effective in creating an atmosphere that is irreplaceable by most other types of portraiture.

Whereas the aesthetic is originally used to convey feelings of extreme, most often superficial euphoria, I want to use it to create the exact opposite emotion: sorrow. Indeed, euphoria itself sometimes acts as a mask that covers up deeper feelings of pain and conflict, and these are the feelings that I want to discover through my photo set.