Argumentative Essay on Government Control Over Obesity—a Reflection
What you did well in your essay
My evidence was well matched with my reasoning and sub-claims, and the pieces of evidence in each paragraph and under each claim are placed in a smooth flow. I was able to link pieces together without making the logic jumpy.
What you might like to improve
- There are definitely times when I use excessive phraseology. For example, “Therefore, having central power—the government—attempt to control such a complex matter would not only cause bias towards the obese population, but also those who are most likely to fall into the obese population”; that could be shortened down to, “Therefore, government control over obesity causes bias towards obese people and related communities”.
- In places like “this also did no good to the economy, since the action worked only to the advantage of one group”, it was not clear what the advantage and the one group were, so the link between economic harm and partial growth of companies was not clear.
Are there any areas where you marked yourself differently than Ms. Rivera? What are you thoughts?
On the concluding statement of a paragraph/argument, I mistook the concluding statement for the conclusion. If I were to reflect on my concluding statements, I would say that there was a lack of insight inside the heart of the argument. In short, some impacts were missing and the importance f my claims should be explained more clearly.
What was the biggest challenge that you faced while researching, planning and writing this essay? How did you overcome this challenge?
A challenge I faced was revealing sentiment under the pressures of a formal tone, clear logic, and not being dramatic. I found that the best way was to use an external factor—in this case what the rest of world thought—to deliver a wider, and slightly more emotional view. For example, stigma and bias were mentioned to relate a happening to what the world thought about it, instead of what I alone thought about it.
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